When Domestic Violence Goes Viral
No doubt you’ve heard about what went down in an elevator between (now former) Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice and his wife Janay Palmer. You’ve likely seen the video on TMZ or via some news outlet. If you haven’t, the story goes like this…
Ray Rice and his then fiancée get into an argument as they enter the elevator in an Atlantic City casino hotel. They continue to fight, she spits in his face and he clocks her…knocking her unconscious. He’s then seen, on camera, attempting to drag her lifeless body out of the elevator. For a few moments, he leaves her face down on the floor. She eventually sits up, is helped to her feet and the rest is now the talk of the sports world…and beyond.
The Baltimore Sun originally broke the story in February and stated that “both [Ray Rice and Janay Palmer] refused medical attention and did not report any injuries. Rice, 27, and Palmer, 26, were charged with simple assault-domestic violence and were released on a summons to appear in court.” As a result of the altercation, about five months later, the NFL initially suspended him for two, just two, games…I’m guessing either because no one actually saw ALL of the footage or because they were too busy worrying about suspending Josh Gordon for an entire year for smoking weed.
Since the footage was released on TMZ, the Ravens cut the star running back and the league has suspended him indefinitely. Had anything changed since the initial suspension? No. Was Ray Rice not caught on camera hitting his soon-to-be wife? No. The NFL’s creation of a domestic violence policy was laughable…six games for a first offense? Especially now that Ray Rice has been suspended indefinitely. There’s also talk of the NFL pulling back on suspensions for substance abuse (legal or semi-legal substances anyway). Ya can’t keep flip-flopping on all of this, NFL…pick a policy and stick to it.
However, the main reason for this blog is to address the statement Janay Palmer made on Instagram…
I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I’m mourning the death of the my closest friend. But to have to accept the fact that it’s reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that the media & unwanted options from the public have caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret everyday is horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his a** off for all his life just to gain ratings is a horrific. THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!
I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a public figure. I can’t begin to fathom what it’s like to be in a brutal physical altercation with your significant other. And I can’t accept standing by your man when you know what he did was (and is) wrong. Whether it was caught on tape or not, he hit her. That’s like saying a tree doesn’t make a sound when it falls in the forest because no one is there to hear it.
While, of course, TMZ is all about the ratings, there’s a bigger issue here. The video also brings awareness to domestic violence. It’s not unlike the video news outlets have used to make people aware of bullying…the one where an autistic teen participates in the Ice Bucket Challenge and instead is pranked with a bucket of urine and feces. Sometimes, it’s not about the ratings. Rather, it’s about making people aware and seeking justice for the victim. And in Ms. Palmer’s case, it’s justice whether she wants it or not.
That idea of whether or not Ray Rice should be punished at all seems like a no brainer to me. And for those wanting to know my take on that, check out this column from the Chicago Tribune. I wholeheartedly agree.
In the end, my hope is that the video prompts other women in abusive relationships to seek help. No one deserves to be hit. Ever. And my hope for the NFL is that the league gets its crap together, creates universal policies and sticks to them.
What is really interesting is the victim’s defense of her abuser; what is also noteworthy is that she married him after the incident . As a family law attorney, I am frequently asked
why so many women and even some men defend the ones who hurt them and allow it to go on?
Sometimes it is because the abuse slowly and imperceptibly accelerates until the victim realizes she or he is being hurt on a regular and even daily basis. Sometimes it is because there are children to be protected and fed and a woman or house husband fears they do not have the economic ability to do it on her or his own. Sometimes it is because even negative and abusive attention is interpreted as “love”, and that mistake can be made by both sexes.
Our passive “acceptance of the unacceptable” in relationships has to stop…and it must be stopped in each relationship, in our public policy, and in the media commentaries on sports and entertainment. Thank you for your voice.